| -sigh- >_ |
[Jun. 18th, 2009|04:40 pm] |
You know... I guess I never really realized that my dog was getting older. I mean I KNEW he was getting older but my mind didn't really comrehend it. Now I feel like he suddenly aged. God. I can't imagine my life without my doggy. >_<
A lot of people have been commenting on how old my Cando is and I didn't really internalize that fact.
I'm sorry, It's just there's the limping of his hinde leg and it's been MONTHS since he walked properly... Then there's the lump growing on his ear that my sister pointed out the other day... Then theres the fact that he's losing hair (I mean thats been happening since forever but still)... He doesn't bark as much anymore. Barely runs and sleeps most of the day away...
He still watches over me though. Like when I'm doing my homework he'd be right behind my chair sprawled on the floor like an overgrown pup. And he still sleeps by my bedroom door. He follows me around the house. When I'm feeling down he'd still stay with me to make me feel better...
I dunno...
How can you live knowing that one of your best friend is going to die before you simply because his lifespan is shorter... T_T It's unbareable to think about.
I just feel he's not as healthy as he used to be... and I have a feeling that he might pass away in the next 2 years that's if I'm lucky... I dunno if it's just pessimism but I really feel like he hasn't got long to live. And I don't want to live without him. I've grown so fond of him. He's a big part of me! |
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| Here it goes frustration |
[May. 5th, 2009|04:24 pm] |
I know you probably realize the only times I actually post on here is when I'm feeling down. I can't help it. When I'm happy I just don't realize it but when I'm extremely down I just have to talk about it somewhere...
I just feel so insignificant these days. I let it pass as if nothing's wrong but I just feel so useless. I mean, I'm being as unseen as I can but he always manages to see something wrong with me. Whether it's because of something I'm doing or something I'm NOT doing there's always something wrong with me at least in his eyes... Nothing I do or don't do is ever enough.
This is why I despise summer breaks. It means I have to spend a big amount of time at home and I can't stand being at home long...
I'm not saying I'm perfect or anything, god knows I'm far from perfect... It's just sometimes I wish he sees something good in me. Something he'd actually approve of.
I'm too lazy, I'm thoughtless, my brains in the clouds, I don't concentrate, I'm not doing this right, I'm not doing that right, I'm actually doing something right for a change, All I ever care about are my friends, that's why I don't have any friends, I have too much friends, I'm stupid, I don't think, in comparison to my siblings I'm just dumb...
I can go on and on about the things he says about me. The worst thing is he'd say these as if it meant nothing to him. As if that's all he sees about me. I'm not saying I'm the smart, god knows my spelling can attest to the fact that I'm not, but I'm not as stupid as he makes it seem. As he makes me feel...
I don't know. Maybe I'm taking all these too seriously... but I just feel it's unfair. Am I that imperfect that nothing I ever do seems good enough?
I'm not asking for people to tell me "No you're not stupid." or "Don't mind him he's just an asshole" I'm not asking for anyone to console me. I just wish people can tell me why I never seem to meet his standards. Why am I always the imperfect kid.
The stupid one. The useless one. The one who never thinks of anything but herself.
Am I as unsatisfactory as he makes me feel?
I don't know anymore. I just can't get it out of my mind anymore because everyday at least once everyday he'd make a comment about me being so stupid, or me being so useless and now I actually feel like I am useless. Never mind the stupid. I've always known I'm not that smart but now I just feel so insignificant.
Come to think of it... what have I ever done to be of use to this world anyways? But I wish he'd acknowledge the fact that I'm trying to improve myself to fit his standards. Standards I know I can never meet seeing as he doesn't even see the fact that I'm trying to improve my grades in college. The fact that I barely even talk to my friends anymore. The fact that as much as possible I try to be more concerned about my family. But I can't help feeling that my friends feel like family to me than he ever did...
I'm frustrated. And I can't help it. And I don't know what to do anymore. I want to see you guys. At least around you guys I actually feel loved. Even if some people don't really like me as well as I think they do, but I still feel better around you guys. I still feel better about myself...
But like I said... I'm not asking for people to tell me they love me. If I seem like I am, I'm not, I'm sorry it seems like that. I just want to understand what the fuck is wrong with me. I just want to understand why I'm such a dissappointment in his eyes.
I just can't bare the pressure anymore. I want out somehow... some way. I just want his approval... something, it seems, I'll never achieve regardless how hard I try. Because nothing I do is good enough. And everything I do isn't heartfelt apparently. |
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| Something's been bothering me... |
[Feb. 24th, 2009|04:13 pm] |
I'm pretty sure most of the people who read this journal knows that once upon a time I wasn't really as accpeted as I am now... yeah I know this is putting it lightly. But I don't want to delve into the matter on just HOW MUCH people didn't like me then...
So I was really happy when people began liking me and being friends with me. It gave me that warm feeling of being accepted, if not by all, by the people who matter to me.
But no, that's not what's bothering me.
You see, here in college things have been pretty great... in terms of friends and such that is. I mean most of my blockmates have been really great and are really easy to get a long with, like I've said before my blockmates and I are pretty close.
But you see there's this girl in our class that everyone seems eager to dislike... And by this I mean EVERYONE has something they don't like about her... even I do! and I feel really aweful for it but it's true!
I mean she's not mean or anything... She's actually sort of nice. It's just... she's... Strange. If my blockmates read this they'd probably laugh and tell me to admit the inevitable truth that she's more than strange... but I chose to put things kindly.
It's just everyone tried to be her friend! But she sorts of disassociates herself from us... like I said she's strange.
Now before you go and say I'm probably being judgemental let me at least justify myself...
She tends to disassociate herself from people by reading a book when we're having fun. She doesn't fix herself up! Her hair is always a mess!! I mean ALWAYS!! And if you've seen my hair you're probably going to say my hair's always a mess too but this is different! Her's is worst! Like people put it it's like she's always electrecuted... and it's not just her hair that's a mess... everything about her seems to have been electrecuted! And they've already talked to her and still she chooses to ignore things... That's not it though... to list down the things that are strange about her might take up HOURS just trying to put it into words...
I mean I know it's not my problem. I mean it's not like it's me that people are talking about behind my back and sometimes even right in front of me... And it's not me that people are ignoring or purposely ditching. It's not me that people are avoiding. It's not me! But I'm bothered by this...
I'm bothered because I know what she must be feeling. I'm bothered because I'm turning into the people I use to dislike back in gradeschool. I'm bothered because it goes against my better judgement to be so cruel...
I don't know. I mean I know it's not my problem. I know it's not my fault either. But I feel so mean and so un-me to be so judging over someone just because she's this way or that. I mean, I'm strange too. I'm not denying that. I am strange. But I know how to at least try to fit in. And I feel guilty. I want to be her friend. Heck for all she knows I am her friend... but... I also feel like it's not right that she ignores what the others are saying about her... I mean she's not that daft as not to have realized everyone doesn't want to be with her!!!
I don't want to be so mean to ignore her! I can't be mean! I don't want to be mean! And I try to tell the others not to talk about her that way! Really I do! But I feel like I could probably do more to stop this whole thing...
I feel like I could make a difference in her life if I tried. But I'm not that close to her. I can't give her advice because she probably won't listen to me either... I want to help her because I feel really bothered about how mean everyone is being as regards to her. By everyone I also mean myself.
I'm not playing saint or anything... I know I'm guilty of this too... but... I try don't I?
I want to help because I know what it feels like to be treated the way she's being treated right now... Heck! What she's going through now isn't even half of what I had to endure for most of my gradeschool and even parts of my high school life... But it's bad all the same...
I just don't know what to do anymore... go against the class and tell them off completely would mean being outcasted. But leave things the way they are would mean me feeling guilty for the rest of my life not being able to change someones life.... god.
This is why I hate being too nice sometimes... I really don't know what to do! I need a little lesson on being mean... why can't I just shrug this off like I do with everything else?? Shit... |
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thefallen_07's journal
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